


Thunder, Danger, and Everything Reckless: Summer

by epitomedashderangedfangirl



Series: Thunder, Danger, and Everything Reckless [2]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-02-24 13:50:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2583659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epitomedashderangedfangirl/pseuds/epitomedashderangedfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been months since that terrible night. Yes, Ian is alive, but he's not really enthusiastic about it. Not without Mickey. Because you know what they say, seasons change but people really don't, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lazarus

**Author's Note:**

> The second part to ThunDER: Winter because nobody wants such a gloomy ending. Have fun on this _season_. :)

The oven alarm goes off just when I hear someone open the door. “Yes, make yourself at home,” I mutter under my breath as I take the tray of nuggets to the living room area. “What’s that?”  
  
“Double Impact, I know how much you _love_ this guy,” he mockingly says, sitting casually next to me. “Don’t you just love how okay we are now?” Rolling my eyes, I tell him to just shut up while I am trying to watch the movie. But boy, since when did he ever listen to me? “Look at how we are bonding over Van Damme, I mean, I will never get what you see in this guy, but since we are partners, as your doctor says, we should understand each other.”  
  
“Still trying to watch the movie,” I say.  
  
“…a new team, we have left all the bitterness in the past, the invincible duo that is me and you, Ian. Your therapist is awesome,” the brunet expresses as if he was touched by an angel.  
  
Pausing the movie, I turn to my side and glare at the older guy. “Seriously, I was in a goddamn hospital for three weeks and I have therapy every month until God knows when. This is my first actual time to get a real me time, but here you are, talking shit about my man Van Damme, and about some Batman and Robin duo between you and me when you know you are _still_ just my agent, Jimmy Steve.”  
  
Jimmy replies with a snide, “Harsh much?” He grabs a can of beer and sips a good amount before he speaks again. “That therapist will never let you off the hook if you keep on denying things. We are partners, you know?”  
  
“I’m just stating facts, man. After I got quote well enough unquote, you made me take that project and among other little things. I need a rest, man. Why are you even here?” He shrugs and tells me that he is my friend. Yeah, the friend who does not even care how I badly need a little me time. “Just please don’t make a single word while we watch it.”  
  
“You got it, partner,” he motions like he was zipping his mouth close. I tell him to stop saying that, to which he replies with, “remember, acceptance is the key, partner.”  
  
∞  
  
We are only a quarter into the movie and Jimmy is sleeping comfortably on the couch adjacent to where I am sitting on. I end the movie because a) I suddenly felt the need to talk to Emi- well, Mandy and b) I was not really focused at the movie. My mind was just wandering somewhere very far, somewhere I hope it would stop visiting real soon.  
  
It has been months since Emily had that press conference where she asked everybody to stop calling her Emily and call her by her real name instead. Yes, months, but I still find it weird. You think you know someone your whole life and then you realize that she has a completely different name. It was also at the same event where she talked about how she is really blessed to have me as her boyfriend. How I was not just her on-screen Hercules or Prince Charming, but that I was also her real-life hero.  
  
Jimmy Steve, my brilliant manager, has managed to change the story of how things turned out at Southside Chicago. Okay, well not really change because as constantly amazing as Jimmy is, he could not change the fact that I got shot. Apparently, he made Matty my official publicist while I was still admitted. He told me that things got crazy and that he had a little bit of difficulty handling everything by his own self.  
  
Everything is pretty much the same, Mandy met with her real father and her brothers. Although, in the papers, I have read that I went there _with_ Mandy. Also, I was not shot because I my brain stopped functioning and just thought I could save Mickey. I heard I was covering for Mandy. Press coverage, ladies and gentlemen.  
  
However, those who saw will always know. I have always wondered how much Jimmy had to pay the Gallaghers and the Milkoviches to shut up about it. I wonder if the Gallaghers were the type to take bribe money like that. But then again, I saw their place, and they needed every shit they could get.  
  
I remember the conversation I had with Jimmy last January, just a couple of days after I got discharged and found out how he managed to twist things up. “Why did we still pay the Gallaghers when I’m coming out eventually for the gay movie?”  
  
“Oh no, you are not. Everyone thinks of you as a hero now, saving Mandy and all. You are an angel sent from above,” he has proudly exclaimed.  
  
And that is the very reason why I am here, in my unit, on a Friday afternoon, unable to freely come out and just be me even just for a day or two, waiting for my “girlfriend” to pick up my call.  
  
“Hey, boyfriend, is something wrong?” Huh, so much for a girlfriend. I then ask if she thinks that the only reason I would be calling her was when something is wrong. “You tell me, you’re the one who turned down my invitation for some silly movie date with your manager,” I hear her laugh from the other end of the line.  
  
“It’s not a movie date and how did you know Jimmy’s here? Did he tell you? Do you make secret meetings behind my back now?”  
  
“Oh, yes we do because scheming things and making fun of you is what makes us happy,” Mandy says, her voice sprinkled with a dash or sarcasm. I wanted to answer back but she tells me that someone is actually waiting on the other line.  
  
Perfect teasing opportunity strikes in. “Oh, wow, that mystery caller of yours has been calling you a lot lately, huh?”  
  
“He’s just a friend and oh, is my pseudo-boyfriend jealous?”  
  
I grin as I say, “Just pseudo-jealous, I guess. Alright, we don’t want to make your stalker wait.” Instead of warning Mandy, I just let her be. I mean, she should be free to date someone who she really likes, not be stuck with a closeted gay like me just for the press and people to pester on us endlessly.  
  
∞  
  
The following afternoon, I am seated in a not very comfortable sofa in the middle of a room in the Four Seasons Hotel, with the fairly slender interviewer just a few feet away from me. She introduces herself as Holly and she looks like she just finished high school, but I don’t ask her about it. Because you question one thing and the press just knows how to complicate these things. I have not mastered the ways of keeping my mouth shut for nothing. Holly cheerfully tells me how lovely the trailer of _Just Because_ is and that she is definitely lining up for it.  
  
“But of course you’ll have to wait for two more days until it will be showing on June 27th,” I say in the most positive manner I could.  
  
“Oh, of course! So while waiting for it to be finally on cinemas, I could ask you maybe a thing or two about the movie and then we’ll do a little invasion of privacy on America’s hottest young couple, okay?” Not okay, but yeah, what else am I here for, right? I tell her to ask way. “Alright, so how did it feel like playing a gay character?”  
  
“I think it’s great.” No kidding. “It was an opportunity I could not refuse. A chance for me to present my versatility as an artist, I mean, let’s face facts, I can’t be doing the same boy meets girl teen flicks, right?” Holly keeps nodding for me to go on. “It made me grow as an actor.” Holly then asks me if it was difficult. I pause for a second before I answer her. “No, not at all. My role, Heath, is a really well-written character. And he is just like my previous roles, a guy who is trying to live life, and he just happens to be gay. I hope you get what I mean. Also, it does not make Heath, or any gay person, make them any less human.”  
  
“I do, that sounded really nice, the way you answered.” Lies. I’m sure she is having troubles now as to how she would present my jumbled thoughts in her magazine piece. “Is there going to be a kissing scene in the film? I mean, there are a lot of great actors who shared their man-to-man kissing moments on screen. Will we see one in _Just Because_?”  
  
“That is something I can’t tell. You guys will have to watch the movie,” I grin and wink at her in the process.  
  
She almost squeals for some reasons I don’t want to know and now I am sure that she is probably just fifteen and that she knows someone in the building, squirmed her way in just to _interview_ me. Holly collects her remaining dignity before she asks me her next question. “Gosh, you sure keep these dirty little deets to yourself. Okay, so where do we expect to see you after this project, Ian?”  
  
“Well, after I have finished the whole movie shoot, I paid a little visit on this Showtime series, but again, I can’t tell you which one just yet.” I see a heartbroken look on the girl across me but I ignore her. “I will be on Ellen with my onscreen partner, Ralph, you should watch out for that. You guys can check out my full schedule on my website, just go to ianjackson-dot-com.”  
  
Holly smiles when she says, “Your chemistry with Ralph Wong in the trailer is just so good. We’ll definitely check that out. But, for now, what’s your plan? Another movie, maybe?”  
  
“I don’t know, I mean, I could use a real break this time. I never had one since January and that does not really count, being stuck in the hospital and all the therapy stuff going on,” I laugh. “I’m just glad things are doing better know, I could hear my ribs crack every now and then, but everything’s cool.”  
  
She laughs along before she tells me, “Yeah, you should really spend more time with your girlfriend. I’m very sure she misses you.”  
  
Not quite, but I just nod and say, “Yeah, probably.”  
  
∞  
Interviews are for the press, and the people, the fans, I only tell them what I want to. It’s up to them if they choose to believe me or not. It’s their prerogative, really. Life has been back to basics, well, minus the Jackson part. We talked it down and we have settled things, as a family. Sheila and Eddie made a deal with me and Karen, Sunday night dinners. You know what they say, we’ll never forget the past, but we’ll learn from them.  
  
Karen has moved out from the Gallaghers’, but she did not come back to our old home either. She wanted to go on with the whole independence thing while she studies at some theater school nearby. It was Sheila who asked for the Sunday night dinner arrangement. Apparently, when she heard that I got shot, she and Eddie were faster than Barry Allen and just flew to Chicago to see me.  
  
Even though the dreaded incident helped her agoraphobia issues, she still made us promise to meet with them weekly. Sheila wanted us to update her with things as much as we can. Surprises were never her thing.  
  
After the interview with Hollie, Jimmy calls to remind me of the dinner tomorrow. “Noted, partner.” He is silent for a couple of seconds and so I wonder if he is still there. “Hello?”  
  
“That was, did you hear yourself just now? You called me partner. I am so—,” I cut him off because I really don’t feel like listening anymore.  
  
“Yeah, don’t get used to it. Bye.”  
  
So, this is pretty much my life now. I go to some shooting and interviews, public appearances, and then home. I do a little exercise on the side, some gym time early in the mornings. I have some swim time, too, because God, the pool here is amazing. I never really had the chance to check it out back when I just moved here. I haven’t gone back to Red. That place is nothing but a part of a bittersweet memory, one that I have been forcing myself to let go. Something I had to do to be the new me, to _celebrate_ my new life, or something. I just work, work, drink, and then I work some more to get more money for drinking, which is very ironic, really, because there’s only one reason why I drink so much now: to flush that fucking memory off me. I drink in hopes that the alcohol will eventually burn the splinters that are my memories of him and me.  
  
I go over to my couch, the one where we once sat to watch Under Siege, and my tummy caves in, and I wonder why I haven’t moved to another place when everything here reminds me of him. I could have at least gotten another fucking couch.  
  
My refrigerator, oh my constantly trustworthy companion, has nothing but leftover pizza and half a pack of beer. Instead of drinking the night away, I grab the cup of cappuccino I left in the freezer earlier today and then swipe along pizza before closing my not-so-trustworthy companion after all. God, my fans would think that I’m at some club right now, partying to the latest shit with the coolest bunch of people. No. I, Ian Jackson, am stuck in my condo unit, in this tower, with no one, eating leftover and hoping to God that HBO will not be playing some shit that I have already seen.


	2. There's the Rub

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's the second chapter. Comments are loved! :)xx

I check my schedule, twice, just to make sure that my eyes are not deceiving me. Jimmy Steve sent it to me last night and oh sweet baby Jesus, my whole July will be free! Did Jimmy eat something bad yesterday? I never thought a Monday could get this beautiful. Perfect, just a couple of interviews and appearances here and there with Mandy. Wow, Jimmy being a soon-to-be father is actually a beneficial thing for me. Had I known it was going to be like this, I could have made him sleep with Svetlana ages ago. I call Mandy and ask if she wants to celebrate with me.  
  
“I’m glad you called, 'cause I have something to tell you, too. Listen, let’s talk over dinner?”  
  
“Sure, I’ll pick you up in fifteen,” I say before ending the call.  
  
∞  
  
Smiling at the woman behind the front desk of Acabar, I ask her for a table for two. “Right away, Mr. Jackson,” she beams as she calls on someone to take me and Mandy to our table.  
  
“So tell me, what is it that you wanted to say, my dear girlfriend?”  
  
Grinning, Mandy shakes her head lightly. “You need food, now. Let’s eat before getting serious, okay?”  
  
“Oh, so it’s that serious, huh? Well, it’s cool, you’re right, I’m starving! I never really thought I would get another vacation this soon,” I excitedly say.  
  
“It’s not a real vacation, Ian.”  
  
“I know, but at least we don’t have morning calls and eighteen hours a day of endless shoots, right?”  
  
“True,” she nods.  
  
A round of small talk and some desserts later, I find Mandy looking unsure before she speaks up. “So Jimmy has not told you about a movie project just yet?”  
  
Shaking my head, I say, “No.” I think about it for a bit before going on. “But he did mention about _something big_.” I use air quotes to emphasize the last two words. “He said that a producer and this director offered but he has not really explained much. Why, do you know something about it?”  
  
“No, no, no, no, not at all.” Well that is a lot of nos. “I’m kinda busy with all the signing going on, I mean, God, it feels awesome to be using my real name, but the people never stops asking about it and bugging me for autographs. Like, hello, Emily is still me,” she groans faintly even though she looks so much relieved more than ever. She must really happy with being Mandy.  
  
“Well, looking forward to an awesome summer, _my girlfriend_ ,” I grin as I raise my glass up. “Cheers!” She looks hesitant at first, but eventually gives in and smiles as she clinks her glass against mine.  
  
Was it something I said? Is she mad that I had to emphasize the girlfriend thing? God, girls are so hard to get. Wait, is she falling for me? I have seen this in movies, girls falling for their best friends. She can’t, no, this is so not happening, she knows I’m gay. Or did that shooting thing made her forget? Did she allow the press to get into her head? Mandy should know better. This has to stop.  
  
∞  
  
As I was just about to leave after dropping Mandy off, she reminds me of that thing that she wanted to tell me earlier. “Right, yeah, I’ll be there in a sec.” After getting the car parked, I get in Mandy’s place and there’s a cup of coffee waiting for me at the living room area. Oh goody, I am gonna be up all night.  
  
“So listen, Ian, that movie Jimmy told you…,” Mandy stares down at her hands as she starts talking, “well, I am in it, too.”  
  
“Okay…?” I don’t how that is much of a trouble, considering we have been faking our relationship for months. “Like we have been in the same together, tons of times before,” I try to smile even though I am kind of, say, baffled. “We’re awesome, we can pull the couple thing off great on breaks, no one will notice.”  
  
Mandy looks up at me right after she gulps a great deal of caffeine into her system. “It’s uh, it’s not just that, Ian.” She lets a breath out before saying, “We’ll both be there as the lead couple.”  
  
“I’m sorry, I think I just heard you saying something that sounds like another comeback movie, of us, as a couple,” my mouth working endless wonders without the help of my brain. “Well, there’s the rub.” Now I see why she was acting up oddly this whole time.  
  
“Ian, it’s not that big of a deal, right? I mean, it’s just a movie,” Mandy points out like I do not already know that.  
  
“I thought you were going to say something like ‘Mystery stalker has a name’ , or ‘it’s about time you guys should meet’, or that he is a real person, at all,” I huff as I flop back against the couch, my eyes staring right straight ahead at the untouched cup of coffee.  
  
“What? What is your problem with _mystery stalker_?” Oh, now she is changing the subject. “Are you actually jealous of him?” Mandy asks with her tone having just a hint of disdain in it. Okay, now she is beyond crazy.  
  
“Fuck no, I mean, as your best friend, I should worry about these crazy stalking going on, and I do, but since you are okay so far, my hands are off you and your happy bubble. God, this is not about that, I was—, let’s just drop this.”  
  
The look of irritation that was on Mandy’s face is suddenly gone and instead, she looks worried as she walks over and sits next to me. “So it’s about Mickey?” Yes, just casually saying his name out loud, I am not even feeling anything on my chest, thank you so much.  
  
Jimmy is one sneaky little bastard. Partners, my ass. He must have been planning this the moment he found out about the shooting incident. Oh yes, this will be big, I mean, with me and Mandy _dating_. Fans just dig this kind of entertainment. Jimmy is a clever man and hell is just jam-packed with people like him. “It’s just, you and I, even Jimmy, we know the real score. What about you, don’t you find this weird at all? I know it’s in the past,” I pause, just need a little air, and I’m back, “but you know, he and I, just.”  
  
“…in the _past_?” Mandy smiles. “But everybody moved on, Ian. Look at you, you are doing well. Look, I know that okay, it may be a little too soon, but I was just wondering if you were going to be okay with it. Nothing is final, anyway, we can totally dodge the whole thing.”  
  
We are silent for a while though there is chaos going on in my head: the pros and cons of potentially making out with my ex-whatever onscreen. Ex-whatever? We don’t even have a label? Nothing official and I am acting up like a little sissy. Fuck it. “You know what, why don’t we make it final?” I fake a laugh because my brain once again forgot to filter the things that my mouth should be saying. “The movie, let’s take it. Of course, I still have to do an arrangement to kill my manager, but yeah, let’s give this movie a shot. The whole Mickey thing is unimportant, no offense. But past is in the past, right?”  
  
Mandy laughs along faintly, “Yeah, none taken.”  
  
I grab my cup of coffee and drink from it. Oh, nothing could ever feel more painful than having to smile after sipping on a black coffee let out in the open and has completely cooled off. The fact that I will be in another movie with Mickey’s sister is just a close second.  
  
I excuse myself with the most valid reason I could think of: sleep. Mandy lets me go almost too easily even though she knows I am completely wide awake. Who would be able to sleep with that news and amount of, let’s just say, not my favorite coffee? She understands. It does not really take a genius to tell that I am far from being okay right now.  
  
∞  
  
Fine, there is something more painful than having to smile after sipping on a disgustingly cold coffee. And that, my friends, is the need to drive along the well-known gay center in West Hollywood without crumbling down like a stupid crybaby.  
  
No. Just don’t pass by Club Red and everything will be cool. That place is just too dark and twisted. As my hands stir the wheel exactly to the place where I repeatedly told myself not to go, I notice there was nothing where something was. The arrow sign that blinked “This Way to Club Red” is gone, along with all the other signs that once were there.  
  
What the fuck happened to Club Red? What happened? And I know that it is fucking hopeless and sad, but yeah, that is still the place where I first saw those blue eyes and now it’s fucking gone? Closed down along with the history book that is me and him, huh?  
  
Stepping out of my car, I head over to the door because I need to read whatever was on the note that was stuck on where Jody used to lean back when he gets tired no his position, in front of a line of guys trying to get in.

 _ **To our valued customers:**_  
 _On behalf of the whole staff and management of Club Red, I would like to thank you all for being the most loyal and awesome patrons. We are lucky to have been able to serve you at least once in your lives. Most of you have become our friends. Some of you have even found ways to never leave our hearts._  
Once again, thank you so much.  
  
P.S. There’s a new place couple blocks down and we proudly invite you to come and have fun with us. ;)  
  
Sincerely yours,  
Tommy  
Club Red’s co-founder, now owner of Cosmos

Sick fuck! Is this for real? Mr. Big Bartender was Club Red’s co-founder? Now I see why he is so uh, well-rounded. Now he’s got he’s own place? Well, good for him. Fucker. He could have at least told me about all these, Jesus.  
  
∞  
  
Tommy did a great job with the interior for Cosmos, making it look a lot different from Red, which I think is really good and creative. The bar is right in the heart of the club, so everyone could easily get to it whichever direction they may be coming from. Instead of places where you find guys dancing along to whatever was playing, there is stage up front where what apparently is the club’s _Go Crazy Friday_. Note to self, never come on a Friday. I have no idea what they do here on Fridays, but I don’t think I would want to do anything with Friday that has its ‘i’ replaced with a microphone penis. But I should say, generally, Cosmos is great. It’s not too elegant yet not too shabby either, just alright, I think.  
  
“Oh look who finally decides to show up!” Tommy’s voice ring just inches close to my right ear.  
  
“I missed you, too. Thanks for making me deaf,” I shout back. “By the way, is it just me or did Jody finally lost the ponytail?”  
  
Tommy grins and shakes his head lightly. “Come on, there’s so much catching up to do,” he answers as he takes a bottle of whiskey from the bar. Yes, perfect, get me wasted on my first day here, just like the old times.  
  
The _presidential office_ is not completely sound-proof, but it is a lot better than screaming our lungs out at the main club. I sit on one of the two visitor chairs right in front of Tommy’s desk. Tommy pours us both our drinks as soon as he settles himself on his big boss Bing chair. “Cheers, Lazarus, for making it back to life and for the good times.”  
  
“Yes, thank you for my new name, smartass,” I chuckle as I clink my glass with his and drown my insides with a shot of whiskey. “Seriously, man, you could have told me about all these,” I say as I look around his neatly done office. “And Jody, what? Left? Died? You did not even visit me at the hospital, fucker.”  
  
Tommy grins, “Well, I did not know we were allowed to do so, Mr. Jackson. Your girlfriend might kill us or something.”  
  
Right, that. I put my drink down and run my pointer finger on the rim of my glass. “Of course you were allowed, idiots. You’re the closest thing I had, well, have for friends. And you are still not telling me things. Kevin?”  
  
“Jody had to be on rehab,” Tommy shares and my I could feel myself mouth a silent ‘oh’. “Nando, the current bouncer, was one of Red’s regulars who needed a job.” He pours us another round of shot before going on with his story-telling. “Kev’s wife found out about Red, but the reason he had to be back to Southside was because he finally saved enough money to buy the old bar he once worked at. He wanted to spend all the time he could with his family.”  
  
“They’re beautiful, Liam and Veronica.” Tommy looks at me obviously confused at what I just uttered and so I go on saying, “Kevin’s family, the Gallaghers, I spent it with them and my sister. Christmas Eve was okay.” At least until it just was not anymore.  
  
“Look, Ian, I’m sorry about the whole thing with you and Mickey. I know how hard it is, hiding shit and having to act straight in public eye.”  
  
With a sigh, I tell Tommy that it’s okay. “Mickey as just there when I needed a fuck anyways.”  
  
Tommy scoffs, “Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night.”  
  
I look him in the eyes and calmly say, “Fuck you.”  
  
“You’re welcome,” Tommy winks as he hands me the bottle with the remaining amount of whiskey in it. How generous. “Just glad you’re back, man.”


	3. Summertime

It is the 4th of July and by the looks of it, people have decided to celebrate it with a bang. No, the guys here at Cosmos are not literally having sex on the dance floor, but most of the couples do seem to have started with their foreplay.  
  
Ever since the first time that I came over, I just kept coming back for more. Except for the premiere night of _Just Because_ wherein I had to be a good boy as long as Jimmy keeps the free July calendar. It’s like my inner switch just flicked on with its evil master whispering to me non-stop, _go on and have fun_. Yeah, Tommy sure is having fun with the amount of drinks I have been drinking. Well, there are lots of cute boys with really nice asses. But fuck, every single time I think anything close to the idea of sleeping with any of them, I hear the sound of his voice so fresh on my head, his words, God, what a haunting reminder. “I will never leave you”, a dirty little lie those lips have once promised.  
  
That is why, every night, all I do is drink, drink, and drink some more. Basically just like my usual Saturdays, only at Cosmos, with loud music and random strangers all over the place. At least I am not alone. Someone would be around whenever my body would eventually decide that it is giving up on me. I just love how Jimmy is keeping his promise. I hope he does until the end of the month. Or forever, fingers crossed.  
  
Halfway through my bottle of vodka, I notice a familiar guy sitting two seats away from me. Is this for real? Shouldn’t he be with his family or something? I decide to call out his name. He does not hear me at first so I try again with my voice a little louder this time as I move over and sit next to him. “Lip Gallagher?”  
  
Lip turns and is slightly surprised to see me. “Oh, wow, this was a lot easier than I expected! Good to see you again,” Lip says. He looks like he is the hugging kind of guy, but I’m glad he opted for a handshake. “Man, you look…great! I mean, seems like you’re doing well.”  
  
“I am,” I nod with a faint smile. “How’s your family?” Lip laughs as he jokingly tells me that Debbie’s still kind of bummed for losing Karen. “And you…moved here? Or just came to pick her up or something?”  
  
“Neither,” he grins. “I actually came to give this back to you. I hope you don’t find it weird or anything. I also applied for this university and I had this interview earlier today.”  
  
“That’s great! It is kinda weird though, I mean, this jacket thing, but thanks. This thing means so much to me.”  
  
“Thank Debbie, she was the one who forced me to take that here with me,” Lip smiles and I just smile back at him.  
  
Lip looks happy. I feel happy. I mean, I know it’s just Lip, but at least I have someone to talk to now that Tommy is busy taking care of someone at the VIP section, if you know what I mean. I feel great now that my focus is on someone and not on the pairs of eyes gawking at me.  
  
At the same time, it feels kind of weird, especially after Lip says that we should spend more time together. Lip is cool and everything. I just thought I would never get to hang out with him again. Not after the leaning in incident, and not after that night. Plus, he looks extremely happier tonight. It must have something to do with the holiday.  
  
∞  
  
The next morning, Lip is still asleep over at my guest room which finally has a use, for the meantime, at least. I call Jimmy on the phone to tell him that Lip and I have will be heading over to Chicago for my break. “Lip? Isn’t that the dude who got you to Southside?”  
  
I mutter, “Yeah.”  
  
“Let me think about it,” he says. “Should I let you go back to the place where you got shot? Let me see…How about fuck no?”  
  
I frown, which does not make sense because he cannot see my face anyway. “How about you take back what you said just now, you sneaky bastard. Not telling me shit about the comeback movie?”  
  
“I knew Mandy wouldn’t be able to hold it in,” Jimmy sighs on the other end of the line before he says, “fine, go rot in that hellhole.” I put my phone down with a devilish grin on my face. I just love it when things go my way.  
  
Lip keeps saying how cool my place is. “It must be really sad, I mean, being all alone most of the time.”  
  
“Not really though,” I fib. “I have actually lived in trailers and hotel rooms longer than I have stayed in this place, so I barely notice the loneliness. But yeah, sometimes I kinda wish I had a big family like yours, looking after each other and stuff, no lies, just living a normal life, you know?”  
  
Lip smiles at my statement and looks extremely excited with the whole idea of me being back to Southside. I text Jimmy to book our flights while Lip starts telling me about the places that I should visit, the ones I never got to see because I got shot and everything. He still does not sound happy with the way he replied. I still don’t care.  
  
∞  
  
“Easy there, Debs. You’re squishing Ian,” Lip says with a laugh. I smile at him and tell him that it’s okay.  
  
Debbie finally let me go and we all stay at the living room that seemed like nothing changed at all. “It’s just so good to see you, alive and breathing and in person! Again!”  
  
Moving over to sit next to me, Carl scoffs as he says, “It’s not like you don’t see him on tv all the time.”  
  
“It’s a lot different when he’s right here in our place. Especially after that, wait, are you really okay now? Does it not hurt anymore?”  
  
I think about Debbie’s question and oh, yes, definitely, my heart will never heal. I hope against hope that I did not say that out loud. “Nope, the doctors were awesome,” I say with a wink after my statement. “You’ve got nothing to worry about.”  
  
A voice calls out from the kitchen and the smell of freshly-baked cookies fill the room as Fiona makes her way in. “You should get used to a very caring Debbie since you’re staying over. Plus, she really wanted to see you at the hospital, but they said _family only_ ,” she points out, giving Lip a meaningful look. She then asks Carl to get us some drinks from the fridge. “I really hope you get to stay longer this time.”  
  
“Me, too,” I grin. “Let’s pray I don’t get shot again.” We all laugh because yes, I am this hilarious.  
  
When the laughter dies down, Veronica announces, “Alright, there’s food and drinks, dig in ow I’m taking all these back to our place!” Debbie suggests that we should go and take the fun to the pool outside, which actually sounds like a good idea.  
  
Everybody head over by the poolside and my initial instinct is to grab my shades and just put it on. I have no idea if Carl is a big fan or he is just very observant, either way is not good for me, to be honest. He speaks like he is just my age when he says, “They don’t care about you, man. As long as you won’t play shit with them or anything. And of course, buy some weed from them.”  
  
Carl groans in pain when his older brother gives him a light smack on the head. “Very welcoming. Thanks a lot, Carl,” Lip says as he stands next to me, offering me a can of Coors, something I could not refuse especially after hearing Carl’s newsflash.  
  
“No it’s cool, besides, it’s been awhile since I, yeah, I could use some,” I try to reason coolly. He does not look impressed. It must be my lack of cool friends and updated real teenager vocabulary. Yes, I am not only hilarious, but my life sucks, as well. Great.  
  
Lip tells me that since I’m a special guest of the Gallagher household, I should get the first hit for free. Of course, it’s his and Kevin’s business, I had to pay for the rest. He also says that it feels like a typical Gallagher party, with Veronica and Kevin who has Liam over his shoulders. Debbie is with them in the pool while Carl is roaming around and splashing everybody wet using his squirt gun. Fiona is by the side, taking photos every now and then.  
  
I smile as I watch them all having fun. When will I ever be as genuinely happy as they are right now? I sigh before I excuse myself from Lip telling him I needed to go get something from my bag. I hope he does not think that I sounded like a twelve-year old girl just now.  
  
Once I locked myself in the bathroom, I put the toilet cover down and sat on it. It’s silent and suddenly, I am back to being sad and angry and broken. I am once again in Southside, and even though the Gallaghers are happy and all, I am obviously not. Everything is very different in so many ways, and I am not so sure whether I should be happy about it or not.  
  
I wash my face right before I head outside and hope to God it would help clear the negativity away. I grin Debbie sees me coming out again and she smiles back at me happily, not seeing how wrecked I was just seconds ago. Oh, the perks of being an actor my whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not updating in weeks and giving you such a short chapter. I got busy with school and stuff, I hope you guys understand. I'm currently working on the next chapter and I'll try to type faster so I can upload it within the day, or tomorrow morning.  
> xx


	4. Father Frank, Full of Grace

It’s seven in the morning when I wake up the following day. The old bed we have pulled out from their storage room last night actually felt a lot more comfortable than I have expected. I put on a camouflage tank top and head over to the dining area.  
  
Fiona smiles and greets me, “Good morning. It won’t be ready for at least twenty minutes.”  
  
“It’s okay,” I tell her. “Is there anything I could do to help?” She looks unsure at first, but she eventually lets me give her a hand by asking me to set the table while she finishes frying the pancakes.  
  
“You’re a great guy, Ian,” she says out of the blue.  
  
“I uh, thanks,” I laugh shyly.  
  
“I know you get that a lot, but seeing you here now is just crazy, good crazy. I mean, I never expected you to be back after that incident, or no, wait, I never expected you to be here, at all. Also, those Christmas presents were lovely. I seriously don’t know what Lip did to make you come over.”  
  
“Well, this may sound cheesy and all, but I think you guys are just so nice and lucky to have each other. And Lip is like the closest thing I’ll ever have to a brother. I’m really happy I met you guys. I never thought a family could feel this happy,” I sigh. “I’m sorry, it’s just—”  
  
I look up to apologize for rambling when I notice Fiona standing just a couple of feet away. “I understand. Obligatory hug?” She smiles that very warm and understanding smile with her arms wide open and oh. Oh. “Come on, I can be your elder sister while you’re here.”  
  
It’s just a hug. But God, her words sounded so real and tempting. _Note to self: She said while you’re here. Never forget._ I stepped closer to Fiona and we hugged for a good five seconds. It was just a hug but boy, it felt like a huge block of my troubles have finally disappeared.  
  
“Please don’t tell me you guys just made out,” Lip jokingly pleads as he made his way over to us.  
  
Fiona grins and slyly states, “Let’s just say that Debbie now has a competition for Ian’s number one fan spot.”  
  
“Yeah, okay, better let Mandy know about this,” Lip adds.  
  
Right, I have a girlfriend. Laughing faintly, I scoot over to the seat next to Lip as Carl and Debbie came down almost at the same time. I can’t believe I almost forgot about Mandy and it’s only my second day here.  
  
Everybody listens intently as Carl tells us about how he dreamed of Bonnie last night. In his dream, there was a formal party and everybody looked nice but Bonnie. “She looked amazing in her dress.”  
  
“So this is the part where you suddenly jerk awake, right?” Debbie teases.  
  
“No. I was,” Carl pauses when he looks up and adds, “woah, you look clean.”  
  
“Why thank you, Carl, that is my life motto, to be clean in front of my admirer and his stupid pick-up lines,” Lip sarcastically exclaims.  
  
Debbie also appears surprised, and so do we when we turn our backs and see Frank in a pair of neat clothes. “And sober?” Frank does not answer.  
  
“Frank, wow. Please say something because I think I speak for everyone when I say you look like you died and just came down from heaven or something,” Fiona snickers.  
  
“More like got thrown down from heaven, got mute along the way,” Lip adds.  
  
“Oh, kids, I missed you. And you?” Frank squints his eyes as he scans me from head to toe. Why am I not surprised? I remind him who I was and he just shrugs. “Where was I? Right, yes. So I was hospitalized two nights ago.” Still not surprised. Though I could hear Debbie sounding worried and asking what was wrong. “And none of you came over.”  
  
“How the fuck are we supposed to know when you barely come home?” Lip asks annoyingly.  
  
“Point taken,” Frank notes. “No, just let me finish.” And then he rambles on and on about how he does everything for the benefit of his family and the community. He subsequently explains the whole idea of the study he was asked to take part in. For two thousand dollars, all he had to do was stay sober for two weeks. “Two weeks, kids! You guys will help me, right?”  
  
Debbie agrees almost immediately. Carl asks if Frank would teach him ways to get Bonnie if he helped, to which Frank says, “Gladly.”  
  
Lip looks worried, and Fiona gives him a reassuring smile. “I’m sure this will be fine, Lip.”  
  
He just stands and walks away after muttering a low, “Whatever.”  
  
∞  
  
Two hours later and Frank is still surprisingly sober. He has been giving me this odd and knowing look that is really making me feel weird and out of place. “You remind me of someone I know,” he deadpans before he heads over to the organ under the stairs. Not sure which bothers me more: Frank’s statement or how he actually knows how to play the organ?  
  
“You mean Mom, right?” Debbie interjects. “That’s what I have been telling you guys!” She looks at Fiona excitedly who just shushes her in return. Now this bothers me the most. Must be some kind of an inside joke or something. I get it. Gallaghers. Very funny, moving on.  
  
Everybody but Lip claps when Frank ends his number. “Alright, who wants to hear a very lovely story?”  
  
Shaking his head, Lip says, “Not me.” He then gets up and grabs a bottle on his way out. I was just about to follow him when Veronica arrives and hands Liam over to me. Oh, yeah, sure, I’ll take care of your kid.  
  
“I’ll be back as fast as I can, I just need to get this paperwork done,” she promises. “Have fun with your Uncle Ian, okay?” Veronica kisses the top of Liam’s head before she leaves.  
  
“Oh, look how Liam likes you!” Debbie points out grinning.  
  
“Hello? My story?” Frank announces and everybody’s attention is back to him. “Okay, so this is the story of how lovely your mother is.” Okay, so a) I’m stuck here with Liam who apparently likes me, and b) I have no choice but to listen to Frank and his _lovely story_. You will be fine, you’re an awesome actor. Just stay cool, and nod once in a while. Why do I sound like Joey Tribbiani in my head right now? God, I—  
  
“Sorry, what?” What? Was that me? No, let’s go back to ten seconds ago, please.  
  
“I was asking if you’re okay. God, you seriously look like a sober Monica, well, at least before she went out of control and left with that big lady man and that monstrous truck of hers. I never knew she sway that way,” Frank explains. “I still genuinely love your mother, you know?”  
  
Debbie walks over to where Frank is and hugs him while Fiona smiles, “We know, Frank.”  
  
∞  
  
Apparently, Veronica’s _as fast as I can_ meant two long hours. I honestly can’t feel my arms right now. Of course, I had to say I was just fine when she asked me if I was okay. I head out in the back and find Lip hanging by the poolside. “Hey.”  
  
“Hey, man.” Lip mocks, “How’s the lovely story?”  
  
“It was not as lovely as I expected,” I say as I sit next to him. He offers me a drink but I refuse, telling him that I would love to if only my arms weren’t so wobbly after carrying Liam around for what felt like days.  
  
“Sorry about that.”  
  
“Nah, I’m good. At least he was not a loud baby,” I grin.  
  
“No, I meant Frank,” Lip interrupts. “He’s just so, well, full of grace.”  
  
I mutter under my breath, “Yeah, tell me about it.”  
  
“Anyway, can I ask you something?”  
  
“Yeah, sure,” I nod.  
  
“I uh, I think this is so out of the blue, but uh, that night, I saw you,” he pauses before saying, “you saved—”  
  
“Mickey Milkovich?” I look at Lip straight in the eyes and make a mental note never to do it again because it reminds me of those eyes, blue like an angel’s.  
  
“So you’re really—”  
  
“Yeah. Shush,” I chuckle as I grab the bottle of Budweiser from him. “Yay, it works now! Oh, and sorry again, that night at Kev’s place?”  
  
Lip looks confused but shrugs it off. “Yeah, man don’t sweat it. I mean, things like that happens, drunken nights and all, even with straight guys, not that I ever did. Just, anyway, Emily, no, Mandy?” Oh, so he meant to ask some things.  
  
“Just friends. Again, shush.” I drink from the bottle and yes, please, wash away the pain that’s stuck down my throat.  
  
“My lips are sealed. So uhm, just wondering, hypothetically, if say, you had a brother out there, would you wanna see him or something?”  
  
“Boy, you sure have a lot of questions.”  
  
“Yeah, you don’t have to—,” Lip starts reasoning but I just have to cut him again.  
  
“Let me see, I really don’t know. To be honest, I still have no idea what to feel towards my biological parents, what more towards siblings, right? I don’t even know if they’re still alive.”  
  
“I understand.”  
  
I’m very sure you don’t. “I mean I know you and Karen dated and all, but see, she was such fucking annoying as a sister, and God, if it wasn’t for that shooting thing, I don’t even know if we’d ever talk again. Hello? That video she did. You’re actually lucky you have Debbie and Fiona for sisters.”  
  
Lip beams when he says, “Yeah, I guess. Carl makes up for the girls’ lack of bitchiness.  
  
∞  
  
It’s half-past seven in the evening and good God, why is Frank still sober?  
  
Lip tells us that he thinks this will be over in uhm, real soon. “He has to be drunk now or he’ll end up _‘renovating’_ the whole house in no time.” Debbie asks Lip for everybody to have a nice dinner before they finally tase him and just pour alcohol into his system.  
  
Who knew I could have a peaceful dinner here at the Gallaghers’ with Frank joining us. I am no longer acting. I am genuinely having fun. I am laughing at the jokes, passing food around the table, helping serve the desserts. This is great. I mean, at least momentarily, I get to spend some time with a family, even if it is dysfunctional, and well, not mine. I badly needed the distraction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be putting up the next chapter shortly after because I love you guys this much! :)  
> XX


	5. The Legend of Bonnie and Carl

Frank is nowhere to be seen the following day. Things are back to normal, I guess. Fiona had to leave early for work and Lip says he has something to file at school which makes me wonder for a bit, because it is summer. But then again, who am I to say? I have never been into a normal school since I was ten so I do not really know how college goes.  
  
After breakfast, Carl casually sits beside me on the living room couch. “So Ian, how do you know if it’s love?”  
  
“What? I uh, let’s see. Okay, I really don’t, it just sort of happens, I think, and you just feel it, I think.”  
  
“You do know that you said ‘I think’ twice, right?”  
  
“Absolutely,” I nod at him shamelessly.  
  
Debbie sits on the other couch and chimes in, “Don’t listen to him, he’s just acting like that because he met some girl at detention.”  
  
“She’s not just some girl,” Carl says defensively. “She’s Bonnie, and God, she’s so beautiful.”  
  
“Yeah?” I face Carl because now he has my full attention. “Well, tell me about this Bonnie character, girl, sorry.” Okay, maybe not that full.  
  
“She’s cool, and we do things together, and she’s just awesome!”  
  
I see Debbie shaking her head, but I go on and indulge Carl. “Sounds like love to me, well ,puppy love, or something. I just hope by do things together, you don’t mean—”  
  
“Like sex? No, she said she doesn’t like that. We just kiss and stuff,” Carl beams proudly.  
  
“Oh, okay. Good, I guess.”  
  
Debbie stands abruptly, raising her arms as if she’s giving up. “OKAY, God, big sister present, ugh, stop. Besides, Bonnie is gone and your love story is pretty much over. She probably left because of your stupid hair.” Oh, that sounds kind of—I was going to say harsh, but then I notice Carl’s hair, and now I go with Debbie.  
  
“Did not!”  
  
“Well, I believe the legend of Bonnie and Carl is beautiful. You know, young love and all that jazz,” I wink at Carl.  
  
Carl sits upright and nods, “Yeah, and I believe that if we’re meant to be, fate will find a way for us to be back together.” His sister squints her eyes at him when she asks him how a psycho suddenly becomes this romantic. “Love makes you say things and do things and just go crazy, Debs.”  
  
“You really think so, little guy?” Oh, and I’m the one asking questions now? And from a twelve-year old, no less. Good Lord.  
  
“Yeah, I mean, look at you and Mickey, fate’s brought you back here again so you guys could meet again, amaritee?” I think my brain just stopped working.  
  
Sorry, but did he just say _amaritee_? Okay, real talk, of course, he knows. God. Jimmy, where the hell are you when I need you? Right, I don’t even get a single call from Mandy, so much for a pretend girlfriend. I clear my throat before I try to reason out. “No, definitely not. I mean, Lip gave me this rare chance and I just took it. My last visit was very short-lived, remember? With my long break from work, I could use this vacation, and besides, Mickey is at NY, last time I checked.” Okay, stop talking now.  
  
“But you love him, right?”  
  
I narrow my eyes a bit as I think of how to answer Carl and then I smile as I say, “I liked how he smelled.” Lies. I still do, like so much. “So….who wants a new haircut? Maybe this might make Bonnie come back for good?” I had to change the topic.  
  
Debbie says that a new haircut would be cool but of course, money goes to the squirrel fund first. “We’d rather pay for gas or other bills rather than have a new flashy haircut then go full-on hunger strike.”  
  
“Right, you’re right,” I agree. “Well, my hair is pretty long now and I think I definitely need a haircut.” Carl nods with a knowing look. “What?”  
  
“There’s a girl in my class who had her hair cut and announced how she’s moved on from his ex-boyfriend. You so moved on from Mickey.”  
  
“Carl!” Debbie rebukes.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Okay, kids, no, very young adults, relax.” How ironic to say it to them when I need to do so myself. “Look, I’m sure that that new hair thing is just a girl thing and mine’s a totally different case. I had to grow mine for the movie, and so now that you’ve mentioned it, I figured I could get a new hairstyle with you guys.” They look hesitant at fist so I add with a hint of excitement, “I’m paying!”  
  
“Really? Cool! You’re like my best friend now, Ian,” Carl expressed happily. “Come on, we know a place nearby!”  
  
“No, wait, we need to pass by a couple blocks, I need to get something, please?” Debbie asks, waiting for me to answer.  
  
∞  
  
There are bits and pieces of tiny hairs that have settled on my neck, right on the collar of my vintage green Chevy shirt, and as much as I want to wash up right away, I really can’t. Debbie and Carl are on either side of me but they keep bickering as if I wasn’t in between them. Also, even if we did head back to the house right now, they would call dibs and I’ll probably get to shower after them, so I might as well hang out for a while. Breathe in the Southside Chicago air.  
  
I haven’t had my hair cut since last year when we that Valentine’s film with Mandy and it’s like sixteen months ago already. I really have no idea what to do with my hair, the stylist usually does the decision-making, or the writes, depending on what I need to look like. So when the three of us step into the nearest barber shop, it was Debbie who chose a hair for me. And of course, like every other preteen girl in her age, she chose what was _in_. I didn’t even have to look into the mirror to see how I look like with only the sides of my head cleanly shaven, leaving the red hair on middle top of my head untouched, looking like a fucking carrot top.  
  
Of course I couldn’t say no to Debbie. I wouldn’t say no to this sweet little girl who is on her way attacking Carl. “Alright, you two, that’s enough.”  
  
Debbie retorts that Carl was asking for it as she fixed her newly trimmed hair. Carl looked like he was about to disagree but then decides to say something else instead. “Will you teach me how to use a pocket knife now?”  
  
“We still have to get to Kev’s truck and pick Liam up, you psycho. Don’t listen to him, Ian,” Debbie states.  
  
I did not want to make any promises, knowing I’d have to leave soon. But Carl looked desperate and by the looks of it, I think neither Lip nor Frank was the type to do these things to him. So I figured why the hell not. “Yeah, sure, Carl, but the last time I had to use one was around two years ago, so I might be a little rusty.”  
  
“Awesome! Fine with me,” he excitedly starts doing fancy movements on his right hand with his imaginary knife.  
  
I grin at him as Debbie rolled her eyes at him. She was about to walk straight up another block when Carl suggested we take the shortcut. I had to agree. My feet were killing me and the looks I get from some of the neighborhood strangers are starting to creep me out now. Debbie told him to shut up and that there is a reason why we have to go around this block.  
  
“That was months ago, Debs, God, I just want to get to Kev’s truck sooner and let Ian buy us some ice cream!” I didn’t know that was part of the plan. But I have had experiences with Southside people and I’ve seen danger beneath their poker faces. I kind of don’t want to see neither of them get mad right now, or ever.  
  
“Debbie, since we took your path on the way to the barbershop, why don’t we take Carl’s this time, okay? Plus, the Playlot Park is still blocks away, I think we could use a little shortcut, right?”  
  
Debbie sighs frustratingly, “fine, but if something happens, I hope you don’t mind me saying ‘I told you so’”.  
  
Carl starts walking off to the road that said _S. Trumbull Avenue_. I smile at Debbie and wrapped an arm around her shoulder and say, “We’ll be okay, Debs.”  
  
“I don’t see what’s so bad about this road, Debbie,” I tell her calmly when she still does not say anything. We were three houses away from the elevated railroad when I realize what Debbie was worrying about this whole time. Last two houses and we were standing right outside the Milkovich house. Oh.  
  
Debbie answers me with a soft, “yeah.” Did I just say that ‘oh’ out loud? Jesus.  
  
I hear Carl calling from under the elevated railroad, “are you guys coming or what!?” That’s when I realize that I have stopped walking and just stood there, on that same spot, from that very night. I look at Carl from a distant then I look back down the ground. “I uh—"  
  
“We’ll go ahead. See you at the park, Ian,” Debbie smiles at me reassuringly, like she understands everything. And I smile back at her.  
  
“Yeah, okay, thanks, Debs.” Then I see her walking off. Carl looks confused why I wasn’t coming along, but Debbie knocks him on the head and yeah, she can handle Carl.  
  
When I don’t see them anymore, I go back to my ground staring. It’s still the same ground, although minus the snow, and all the chaos that night brought along with it. I run my hand over the fence and I see us that night, right on this spot. I see the man pulling the trigger on the other side and my insides starting to cave in.  
  
There was thunder, warning me the whole time. I knew that he was danger, but I let him pull me in. He is the bittersweet taste that my tongue could never forget. Mickey Milkovich is the sliver in my heart this whole time and because of him, I have become a combination of everything reckless.  
  
It is summer, but I feel cold rushing all over me. I’m standing here in broad daylight but I feel like I am still the helpless me lying on the ground. There’s nothing wrong with my eyes but all I see is him, lying next to me, trying so hard to breathe, gathering everything in him just so he could say, “Ian.”  
  
If I were to decide, I could’ve stopped breathing right there and then. Hearing his voice calling my name is the best thing in the world and I’d die happy with that. Not go on living like this, acting stupid, and unable to walk past his place without pulling an impromptu music video.  
  
The old woman sitting on the porch from across the place starts calling me and asking if I needed anything. I swear to God, anything could just mean anything in this crazy place so I smile at her and say “No, Ma’am, I’m good,” and then I start walking away.  
  
∞  
  
That creepy old lady mutters a not-so-low “disrespectful asshole” and didn’t I just say Ma’am? Jeez. I keep on walking anyway. A couple of steps later, I suddenly hear someone’s voice. “Ian?” I realize that it’s not just someone. It’s him. I turn around and after months of drinking the night away, I finally see him again. Mickey Milkovich. A lot better than the last time I ever saw him.  
  
“Mickey?” I say, or okay, it sounded like a question but whatever. “Hey.” There, just stay calm. Even though you so badly want to just run over to him and wrap your arms around him, just fucking stay calm.  
  
“Didn’t know you were in town?”  
  
God, why does he look so okay? Was it all just my imagination? Or maybe this, right now, is part of the vivid imagination and oh, I’m going nuts. “Yeah, me neither.” Me neither? ME NEITHER!? Who the fuck says that?  
  
I could hear him laugh a little and yes, because this is not awkward, at all. “You wanna come in?”  
  
“Yeah, okay,” I replied. We don’t want the rest of Southside to know how our reunion goes, if there was ever something to reunite with. I take a quick look on the inside of the house and I am so glad Mandy did not grow up in that place.  
  
“Hope you like beer. That’s all this place has, no fancy wines and apple martinis or some margarita,” he chuckles.  
  
“I’m actually surprised you know those drinks,” I say with a shrug and then thank him for the beer he almost does not give me.  
  
“Whatever,” Mickey responds, casually sitting next to me by the kitchen table. “Missed ya.”  
  
I hope he did not notice how I almost choked with the beer and his words all at once. “You did?” Then what, that’s it? No sorry or at least explaining? Five months? Why asking me to have distance and all in the first place?  
  
“Of course,” he nods.  
  
“I’m sorry, because I thought you made sure that I shouldn’t see you ever again, I mean, before the night of the fucking shooting.” Shit, great. Way to go, Ian.  
  
He lets out laugh, although it was more like a scoff. “Jesus Christ, Ian, that was five months ago.”  
  
“Exactly.” Oh, my God, why am I still talking? “We don’t see each other, you didn’t visit me, and you’re saying you missed me?”  
  
“Okay, look, you’re doing really well with your life, and so am I.” Mickey shifts on his seat so he could face me and I have to say, his eyes are a lot better than Lip’s. “We can’t be more than friends, because the last time we were, sort of, someone ended up getting shot. And I kinda don’t want that to happen again.”  
  
“Kinda, huh? Fuckface,” I respond sharply.  
  
“See? A lot better when we’re just like this.” Mick playfully punches my right shoulder before adding, “Now that we’re good, it’s so much okay for me to be Mandy’s manager.”  
  
“Yeah, wait, what? Yeah, that punch shook my brain and so…what?”  
  
“Well, I have been busting my ass in my café back in NY, but Mandy needs me. She says her current manager is stressed out with the pregnancy and stuff, and that it was either me or that weird Ned dude the agency sent her.”  
  
“Yeah, and I know nothing about this why?”  
  
Mickey gets up from his seat as he says, “I know this is so much to take in right now, but everything will be cool. I mean, we were like really good friends before we started, well, not being friends.”  
  
“Yeah, sure.” I am still furious and shocked with the whole Mickey as Mandy’s manager thing but my mouth is definitely all out today. “I just, why’d you leave me like that?”  
Mickey looks taken aback and asks me, “Sorry, what?”  
  
I get up as well and now he’s standing in the middle of his living room, and I’m still here standing by the dining table like an idiot. “Back at my place, you know, before I got shot? Like I wasn’t worth a nice goodbye or anything? Like what we had was nothing.”  
  
“Uh, yeah, it was pretty much nothing.” Mickey clears his throat and just when I thought my heart was torn enough, he adds on, “Just a little part of the plan.”  
  
Oh, okay, so all those things I thought you felt for me were just my imagination at its best. And what plan, make me love you then leave? Beautiful. “Yeah, and what’s that exactly?” I ask with an obvious frown on my face as if I am this curious. Well, okay, I am this curious.  
  
He looks down on his hands and starts explaining, “Uhm, go to Mandy, say sorry, and if she’s cool, which she was, ask her for shit so I won’t have to bust my ass in the clubs that long, then move on with my life, away from that shitty Southside life. Come on, you met my father.”  
  
Yeah, like he’s all that matters now. It’s taking me so much not to break right here, right now. “What about me?”  
  
“You were at the right place at the right night, well, for me and my plan, at least. You know, being the closest to Mandy, coz even if I knew her Dads, I thought that just won’t go well, bad idea.”  
  
“Oh, okay…so you just used me to get her?”  
  
Mickey speaks in a really condescending voice when he says, “Awwwe, now don’t you say that. We both had fun, right?” I seriously can’t believe I’m hearing this from him. “Just don’t flatter yourself by thinking I have fallen in love with you or something? I don’t do those things, to be honest, spreading out blanket and watch shooting stars, fucking gross. Besides, leaving then was good, I mean, I had to before one of us falls for the other, right?” When he notices that I don’t say anything but stays unnervingly quiet, even to myself, he adds, “Look, let’s forget about it that was like, from months ago and just you know, do our thing. I go manage Mandy and you act with her or whatever, really. I really want to do this thing with Mandy, her trusting me means so much.”  
  
“Sounds like a plan,” I finally was able to voice something out.  
  
“Yeah, we’re okay, right?”  
  
It’s my turn to say, “Of course, we are.” Even though we’re absolutely not. That’s what he wants to hear right now, and I indulge him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised!  
> I hope you guys feel the same way as I do with this chapter. Til next week! ;)  
> xx


	6. Casey Casden

If it was hard moving on from everything that happened then, it is a thousand times harder this time. Frank aside, the Gallaghers are just really wonderful people and these past few days felt great because I was around them. Even though deep inside, I was hurting because of Mickey’s words, and the fact that he is just a couple of blocks away, I have managed to not walk out on these guys.  
  
I’m still not so sure how to handle the whole Mickey being Mandy’s manager thing, or if I will ever be able to handle it. But for some reasons, life finds happiness in my misery. I just have to power through all these.  
  
Or, I could vent it all out now that I’m back home and Mandy is right in front of me, guilt written all over her face. Yeah, it’s the latter.  
  
“Seriously, Mandy, you’re supposed to be my best friend! Since when did you became close with your bastard brother? Huh?”  
  
Mandy sits next to me as she starts _to enlighten me_. “Since he explained everything, okay? When I realized that he did those things me. Even if it meant that I had to live across the country just to get away from our terrible father.”  
  
I scoff as I say, “Yeah, like how he basically used me to get you. You’ve been lying the whole time since that night?”  
  
She shakes her head disapprovingly. “No, Ian, please, I am telling the truth. The last time I saw him was a week after the incident, and he said he had this thing in New York and that he was going to stay there for good.”  
  
“Well, that I know. You’ve told me that before.”  
  
“See, I was telling the truth,” Mandy smiles proudly but it fades almost too quickly when she notices me frowning at her.  
  
“Yeah, but you forgot that tiny little detail, wit, what was it? Right! That you were still talking and stuff! And oh my God, he’s mystery caller!?” My eyes widen at my realization and how stupid of me to only put two and two together now.  
  
“That is true, too,” Mandy says with a sigh. “Ian, he’s the only real friend I have now.”  
  
“No, I am your _friend_ ,” I say as I point at myself and then point at nowhere in particular when I add, “and he is your _brother_.”  
  
Mandy gets up from her seat abruptly and oh my God, I awakened the bitch in her. That look in her eyes is different though, they look disappointed and sad unlike that time with Matty when it was filled with nothing but anger. “Oh, for crying out loud, Ian! You are my fake-boyfriend-slash-onscreen-partner who _used to be_ my best friend. But after that night at Southside, you suddenly felt distant, you keep shutting everyone out, drink booze and all that! That’s real mature, Ian! And for what? A luckless romance with my brother? Shit fucking happens. Okay, I’m sorry for hiding all these, I thought it wasn’t really relevant, you said so yourself, that all is well. And though I know you were lying, that inside you were still very into him, I did not say more because I wanted to respect you when you said past is past and that we were okay. This is hard for me, too, Ian.”  
  
Oh. Now I feel stupid for saying those things I said just now. I get up and pull Mandy into a hug. “I’m sorry.” Mandy does not say anything. But I’m glad I could feel her hugging me back. “I have been a bad friend these past few months. I’m so sorry, Mandy.” I break the hug and notice the tears on the corners of her eyes and wipe them away gently.  
  
A smile creeps up on her face when she says, “You were not a bad, per se…just heartbroken.”  
  
“Yeah, I guess so, too,” I laugh faintly. “I’ll make it up to you, okay?” I place a soft kiss on the top of her head and lead her out of my condo unit. “Come on, let’s go out, my treat.”  
  
∞  
  
This is one big, round table for a meeting of six people: the director, Mandy and me, the two producers, and the head writer. The director wanted an intimate meeting for Synchronization 100%, also known as the big comeback movie, but ironically, it feels the total opposite. I mean, come on, the waiters coming in and out of the room once in a while is a given. Also, other than the fake couple thing Mandy and I have to stick with, Mickey had to start his temporary job as his sister’s manager today. This will be so hard, seeing him a lot. Can we go back to when he was stuck in New York? No, wait, if we’re going back, we should go back to that night when I walked out. I should have went to some other club. Stupid car  
  
Intimate meeting, my ass. Jimmy and Mickey are sitting on the side along with the personal assistants of the movie producers. I feel uneasy and Jimmy keeps throwing me a look. Hateful creature. It’s his fault for sleeping with Svetlana. Jimmy Steve’s phone then rings and I look at him as he leaves. When I face the table, I swear I almost stopped breathing. Mickey was stooping over between me and Mandy. Apparently, Mandy was asking for some Advil because her head is killing her.  
  
“You need anything?”  
  
Say something. I, you…are not my manager and your face, here— “Coffee. Please,” I finally manage to say out loud. So much for staying cool. Mandy smiles at me as Mickey leaves and I smile back at her. I face the door in hopes of seeing more of Mickey only to see Jimmy coming back in with that smug look on his days.  
  
Mickey comes back in and hands Mandy her Advil. Right. I forgot what coffee I wanted. He has to know what to get or I will fuck his brains out of his head if he says he doesn’t know what I like. And just as I hoped, he did. My heart, as cliché as it sounds, skips a beat when he hands me the cold coffee cup. I thank him and smile as I take a sip and taste pure heaven that is iced cappuccino. Of course, that is not the only reason why I’m smiling. Keep staring at me oddly, Jimmy, I don’t care.  
  
∞  
  
I was just about to ask Jimmy where his driver was, but then I realize how he and Svet are sort of saving as much as they can for the baby. So I figured I should ask him something else. “Woah, that is a lot of baby stuff, Jimmy Steve,” I expressed as I see the most random things on the back of Jimmy’s car. “Can’t wait to be a father, huh?”  
  
“Privacy, Ian Jackson,” Jimmy says.  
  
I narrow my eyes at him as I reply, “Jimmy, really? Privacy?”  
  
Jimmy sighs. “Right, alright, so I don’t know what to get our baby first. I mean, we don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl, Svet wanted it to be a surprise.”  
  
“You guys are living together now, right?” I face Jimmy and he nods, but he keeps his eyes on the road. “Well, you can paint the baby’s room. You know, just pick a neutral color, say yellow, but not like the sun, just a calm and peaceful kind of yellow.”  
  
He pulls the break to stop at a red sign and grins at me. “Yeah, I should do that. Thanks, Ian.”  
  
“Yeah, sure, happy to help,” I nod.  
  
“You know, you and Casey Casden are pretty much alike?”  
  
This is so out of the blue. Jimmy and I never had a conversation like this before. “Sorry, who?”  
  
“Casey, your character in Synch 100, Jesus, Ian,” annoyance is obvious in Jimmy’s voice.  
  
“What? We just finalized some things, I haven’t really read the whole thing, just the main plot,” I try reasoning out.  
  
“He’s _your_ character,” he says it again like I didn’t hear it the first time. “Whatever. You two are the same, love found and lost, and Casey is doing all he could to take back Rosemary’s heart.” I was about to ask him who Rosemary was and he gives me a narrow eyes look and oh, okay, that’s Mandy. He shakes his head before he adds on. “You’re the typical heartbroken protagonist who keeps looking for the lost love that once was the reason why he stayed alive and all that cheesy stuff.”  
  
I stare out the window of his car when I answer him. “Yeah, well except for the fact that Casey is fictitious, and I am real, and shit is real, and he is being an asshole and hard to understand and too fucking annoying and—”  
  
Jimmy chimes in, “We’re not talking about the movie anymore, right?”  
  
Yeah, we both know the answer to that question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm finally back. Sorry if it took me a while to update. I wanted to put this up on the 11th in honor of the season 5 comeback, but I got stuck with school work. I will also be busy next week so I will be back the week after next. The good news is, I will be posting the next two chapters shortly after this. ^^  
> xx
> 
> P.S. I was listening to Block B's Synchronization 100% when I wrote this chapter so I decided to use it as the movie title. It's a Kpop song but it's really nice and you can check it out if you want to. :)


	7. Survival of the Fittest

I bet the gods of mockery are having so much fun right now. Back then, I would be so ecstatic just knowing I might see Mickey in a couple of hours, or days, even. But now, I am stuck in this set, memorizing lines in my trailer, knowing Mickey is in Mandy’s trailer, which is just adjacent to mine. There will be a lot of improv on this movie.  
  
I am not angry at him. Well, I was, I mean, for what he did and how he’s being cool with all these things, and those words still hurt. Okay, so I might still be angry at him, but not as angry as I am at myself. Why am I still thinking about this guy who broke my heart and casually talking to me like _nothing_ ever happened?  
  
What if he’s bluffing? Right! What if all this is one big lie, and, as a matter of fact, he’s actually so deep in love with me but he’s just denying it. Hmm, I could test him. I am Ian Jackson, after all. I am a very good kisser. I think. It’s time for the tables to turn, Mr. Milkovich. I will charm you and make you come back running into my arms and all. I love my plan.  
  
“Ian, what are you smiling about? Shoot starts in five,” Jimmy announces, bringing me back to reality.  
  
“Alright, alright,” I say as I quickly review my lines.  
  
∞  
  
So Mickey does not care if I keep checking my phone every five minutes. How is this not bothering him, at all? I could be texting a really hot guy and he is just there, being Mickey, hanging out with the guard, acting all manly. _Hey, I am Mandy’s big brother and I am very tough.I drink beer._ Tch.  
  
He also does not give a shit when I hang out and chat with the other guy actors. What is wrong with him? How could he be this heartless? Oh my God, I have to stop this already.  
  
“Alright, focus. So you and Mandy sit here in the middle, as usual,” Jimmy instructs. “We’ll be in the far back of the audience. Just nod if you need anything, alright?”  
  
We? With Mickey? Focus, huh? “Sure,” I fib. Mandy and I take our seats, and right there, straight ahead, Mickey Milkovich. Perfect.  
  
Matty prepared so much questions today. When will he ever stop? Can’t he take a break or something? Oh, who am I kidding. I’m not even listening half the time. I just stare at Mickey. Way to go for being focused.  
  
Mandy tries to answer every question because all I say is ‘yeah’ and some nods. “Yes, it’s quite an odd title for a love story, but you guys saw the trailer. If you watch the whole thing, you’ll see Casey, Ian’s character, and how he struggles to keep up with my character who apparently looks so much like his first love.”  
  
I keep smiling and going back to staring at him until he suddenly walks away. It takes me a couple of minutes just to excuse myself from the press conference. These people don’t even care about other people’s need to urinate anymore as long as they get their perfect press coverage.  
  
I go to another comfort room because Mickey was not in the one that I went in first. Oh, there he is. I follow him close the door behind us. “I was getting too much to handle for you, huh?”  
  
“Ian, you are, once again, flattering yourself too much,” Mickey deadpans.  
  
Is he even for real? I clear my throat before asking, “Well then what was that?”  
  
“What was what?”  
  
“You coming here so suddenly, because I was staring at you and you felt intimidated. Ha! You even had to come here to a farther comfort room so no one would notice us, huh?”  
Shaking his head, Mickey starts speaking with evident sarcasm in his voice, “Oh, you were staring at me? Wow, should I go and sing a hallelujah or something? Ian Jackson was staring at me this whole time?” Can someone please remind me why I am doing this to myself? “I didn’t even notice. And for the record, I came here for to fucking pee so please, excuse me,” he says as he walks past me.  
  
Humiliation. Disappointment. Anger. All at once. This is such a lovely day. So we’re really doing this, huh? Fine, see if I care, Milkovich.


	8. Civil Wrongs

Pedro is not letting me in at Cosmos and oh my god, is this really happening? He says that it was Tommy’s orders. “Look, el macho guy, I don’t care if Mickey is in there, I came here for the fucking booze.” Lies, I’ve got all kinds of booze in my place. “And seriously, I don’t need your protection or whatever you’re doing right now. Good God, Pedro.”  
  
Once inside, the music quickly overwhelms the beating of my heart. I look around and Tommy does not even hide how surprised he was to see me. I notice that he was talking to Mickey, who was on the bar with his back facing me. I nod at him and he asks as I came over, “You’re here!?”  
  
“Yeah, Tommy, I am,” I reply as I casually sit next to Mick without asking him or anything and he has this frustrated or I don’t know, whatever look he has on his face right now.  
  
“Fucking Pedro, you ask him to do one thing. One thing! Why doesn’t he understand my language?” Tommy sighs, “I’ll fix you a drink.”  
  
“Look man, no need to be mad, the man tried,” I say. “Besides, me and this guy, we’re cool. Isn’t that right, Mickey?”  
  
I could hear Mickey rolling his eyes audibly, “Yeah. We are.”  
  
“See? Alright, this round’s on me, okay? For being okay!” I raise my glass up and I drink mine in one shot. I wipe my mouth in what I should describe as the most unattractive was I could and whisper to Mickey, “Have fun.”  
  
I wink at Tommy just before I go to the dance floor. Something I have never really done before. I then switched my actor button on and just danced with this dude like it was a scene I’m shooting and the camera was rolling.  
  
And boy, this man sure is a fine piece of art. I never thought I would see someone as dashing as him in a place like this. I mean, he has this all black do going on which looks so perfectly good on him. He keeps grinding his ass against my groin and I have to admit, I am so turned on right now.  
  
I am not even disturbed by his mustache or the tiny mole he has just below his right eye. Or how his hair is perfectly brushed to the side. Or even the way he deliciously smirks as he says, “I know what you’re doing. So just say the word and we can start making out.” I check Mickey out for a split second before I allow myself to get lost in this man’s deep gaze and lock his lips with mine.  
  
∞  
  
I make sure that Mickey sees me leaving with my arm around the waist of this random but really hot guy. I then awkwardly pull my arm off his waist once we were out of Cosmos. I really don’t know how this goes. I have only done it with Mickey, and no, I would never take this this guy back to my place, no matter how enticing the sins I could do to this white chocolate. I mean, he’s beautiful and all, but he’s just not Mickey, so yeah. But he gets in my car and there’s this devilish grin on his face.  
  
He says that he understood what I was doing in the club, that I was using him and all. “And I’ll also understand if you’re feeling all shitty right now.”  
  
“Aren’t you mad or anything? I just, I am not really this kind of guy, I—,” my little sorry speech gets cut off by him. But who am I to be mad, right?  
  
“Are you kidding me? I’m actually flattered you chose to use me,” White Chocolate winks at me. “Plus, I get to make out with the great Ian Jackson. What else could I ask for, right?” I smile awkwardly at his flattering statement. “Or maybe there is something, I hope you don’t mind, could you at least drive me back to my place? Getting off your car right here is just kinda sad, to be honest. I did help you with your little boyfriend drama.” He grins proudly with his arms crossed over his chest.  
  
“Oh, yeah sure. Where to?”  
  
“Pasadena.”  
  
“Pasadena? Huh, yeah, alright, I’ll take you home, Mister—,” I emphasized the last word as I wait for him to tell me his name.  
  
“Uh, right, Connor. Connor Walsh,” he says as he reaches his hand out for a handshake and I take it.  
  
∞  
  
Connor asks if maybe I want to come in for a cup of coffee. I humbly decline, “It’s okay, I gotta hit the road. I have this early schedule tomorrow, no, wait, I mean, later today. Thanks, anyway, for the uhm, you know.” Lies. I don’t know what we’re going to do later in the day. I don’t care. Jimmy will handle it all.  
  
“Yeah, goodbye, Mister Ian Jackson.”  
  
“Goodbye, Mister Connor Walsh.” I leave his building and next thing I know, I’m pulling a Vin Diesel at Foothill Freeway and yes, what a way to end this night. Or early morning. Whatever. Fuck. Why am I behind bars in Pasadena at 2 in the morning?! Now I have a fucking DUI on my record.  
  
I finally get to call someone. Yes. One phone call. Just one? Shit, Jimmy made it sure not to call him unless I was bleeding to death, or got himself shot, again. Or about to fall off a cliff, which of course I would never do because if I were to fall off into a cliff, the one person I’d be calling is the love of my life and telling him how he’s being hard to get and that I really love him. Like fuck. Svetlana is still 3 months due and Jimmy keeps using the daddy card and acting busy and all. What more if they had the actual baby, huh? What an asshole. I think I need a new manager. So I had no choice but to call Mandy. Oh great, my car will be towed again by now.  
  
∞  
  
“Jail? In Pasadena? The fuck happened!?” Nope, clearly not Mandy’s voice.  
  
“Good God, no yelling, please,” I could literally feel his anger wringing my eardrums to death.  
  
“Jesus Christ, Ian, what the hell happened?”  
  
Wait. Shit. “Mickey? What are you doing over at Mandy’s? Weren’t you at the bar—”  
  
He cuts me off and I’m very sure that I have the right to be mad this time. “I fucking came home already. I live here for now, remember?” No, I did not know that, honestly, thanks for letting me know though.  
  
“Where’s Mandy?”  
  
“Gay Dad number one picked her up, spent the night at their place. No wait, you’re in Pasadena? What the hell?”  
  
“A) Stop calling them by number, and b) no big deal, just DUI, I was kinda hoping Mandy could bail me out and yeah, okay, never mind, I’ll just try Jimmy and hope he won’t—”  
  
“Give me the exact address,” he commands. I swear to God, the things I would do if he cuts me off again.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Do you want me to bail you out or not?” Of course I do, is that a trick question or something? Fucker.  
  
“Well, yeah, but it’s two in the morning and there might be no taxis—”  
  
He really loves cutting me off. “Give me the fucking address, I have a fucking car.”  
  
“Tch, alright, geez.” He puts the phone down as soon as I give him the address and no, that did not kill my ear at all.  
  
Fucking Matty is at the jail as I got out. 24-hour alert creep. Are you friends with all the policemen? How does he even? I am not even surprised.  
  
∞  
  
After I got bailed, I thank Mickey. “I wasn’t expecting you to come pick me up, really.” That sounds very far from being cool, but he just bailed me, he has every right to gloat.  
  
“You’re fucking family, well, extended because of Mandy, so whatever,” Mickey reasons and I am not sure how to feel with the word _family_.  
  
“Sorry for disturbing you with my jail thing at this ungodly hour,” I laugh faintly.  
  
“DUI huh? That’s nothing,” he snides.  
  
Talk some more. You can’t let him be the last to speak. The ball is on your court. Is that even a thing? You don’t do sports, remember? “Didn’t know you have a car?”  
  
“Oh, yeah, I sold it before so I could have money and come visit Mandy then bought it back with the money I got from B\\\C.” Mickey looks so serious as he goes on with his story. “I figured I could use it, going here and there, being Mandy’s manager and all. It’s ruggedy and all, the only good thing Dad’s ever given me.”  
  
“You could just buy a new one, you know, with your café and managing money?” I suggest. Oh and I am serious, the things that could happen with him in this rolling coffin.  
  
“And what? Give this Honda Accord up? This thing is a beast, you know,” he proudly exclaims. He starts laughing.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Nothing, I mean, you got real worried with your little DUI. I actually spent time in juvie before the great escape to California and all. It was just a couple of weeks, I got free pretty soon because that place was jam-packed,” he explains. I ask him what he did and he answers calmly. “Nah, assaulting an officer. Once of Dad’s fucked up rituals, really.” I take back everything I said about Jimmy Steve. Their father is literally Satan’s brother. No one should fight it.  
  
The atmosphere is a lot better when we finally arrived right outside my building. Mickey tells me to _take a fucking shower_. “I don’t reek, I wasn’t even in that iron city for that long.”  
  
He answers as I get off the car, “Yeah, but you were spending a hell lot of time with Mister-I-use-too-much-hair-product.” He’s jealous. Fucking got you, Milkovich. I don’t want give Mick the satisfaction of knowing that I couldn’t sleep with anybody else, not even to the hot piece of meat that was Connor Walsh. Especially now that’s his being jealous and all is such a turn on.  
  
I don’t ask him in because I’m afraid that he’ll just turn me down. Besides, him being jealous right now is progress enough. I smile as I turn my back at him and walk towards the Sierra Towers building. The turn on though, well, I guess I’m helping myself then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you didn't mind me using Connor Walsh here. I just couldn't help my feels. ;A;  
> Btw, if you also watch HTGAWM, please feel free to spazz with me at [epitome-derangedfangirl.tumblr.com]  
> xx


End file.
